The Best of the Worst Analogies

So the Washington Post has this great weekly column called the “Style Invitational.” which even though I just discovered it today, has apparently been running for about 1175 weeks (According to my calculator, that’s more than 22 years).

If you haven’t heard of it, you should really check it out. Otherwise, check out these awesomely bad analogies from way back on March 31st, 1999.

Here are some of my favorites:

Writers

  1. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
  2. Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  3. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of “Jeopardy!”
  4. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  5. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
  6. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  7. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
  8. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Writers2

  1. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
  2. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  3. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  4. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
  5. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
  6. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
  7. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
  8. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

Thinking of new ideas

  1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  3. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
  4. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  5. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
  6. Outside the little snow-covered cabin, a large pile of firewood was stacked like Pamela Anderson.
  7. The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting.
  8. Her breasts were like two mounds of flesh waiting to be compared to something. Something round. Perhaps some kind of citrus fruit.
  9. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

Writers4

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